neurodivergence
One of the things that I feel very cognizant of is how mental illness is talked about on the internet. Imposter syndrome is something talked about online often, especially when it comes to how capable a person is. I generally don't have that come up with respect to my career or work. It comes up in spaces where I have to be honest about my mental health and seek treatment. I constantly feel like a fraud and often find myself wondering if my experience is even real. It's usually after I've really been put through the ringer by my brain that I feel realize it's no joke or sham.
Today is one of those days of clarity. The past two days have been at the mercy of my ADHD. The past year I've had two years have been a second wind when it comes to my career. I've grown to love my work and write code and build projects. It's very rewarding. But despite that I've not had a full time role for about a year and I've worked full time scraping and clawing to find smaller gigs and while working on my own projects. This means it's essential for me to prioritize what's important. The past two days, and the whole week even have been anything but that. My main focuses are a frontend framework and an LSP. But then I started to work on an atprotocol project and redid my personal website/portfolio. Both are turning out pretty good but they stonewalled the important stuff. I'd like to ship my major projects and reflecting on them, I'm disappointed in myself for not getting it together. Shame is another big part of my experience. How can I hold myself responsible without collapsing inwards and getting worse?
I don't know where I'm going with any of this beyond sharing and reflecting. It's difficult to be productive in a focused and effective way. I hope that the time between phases gets longer as I continue to be introspective.